when my head spins round...

so much has been spinning that i can't really count it all here. but i can mark it in spreads.
i think it's been a while since i really phoned about it, and it kind of builds. so i've been letting things out of my head more lately, and it's been helpful (i found out that i talk so much more when i don't feel....when i don't feel afraid (?)). anyway, the last week has been kind of hazy, and i'm in a shell now, so i haven't been much more than clammy, if you know what i mean. and i guess it's because of the weather or because of the rain or because of the clouds, and really, they aren't all the same thing (each would insist that they are each their own part of sky-natural occurance - thing), and so it's all affected me. and i need to write more. i need to do more. i need to get back whatever it is that i feel i don't carry with me now. it's something. and it has so much to do with my distraction and that's just so far from who i am. i mean, since when did my distraction become so much? since when did it matter so much how it comes off, how it's presented, how pretty and shiny and fucking perfect it needs to be? it's always a disappointment these days, and i can't stop it. in a way, i don't know what i'm trying to change, and in a way i do, and then it all gets jumbled into little blurby bits and i'm stuck here unhappy with my damn distraction. me and me and me and all of us displeased at us. what a pickle. i mean, i kind of feel that i should be just fine with what it is and that's it, but then i just kind of say, "how can you be happy with just this? you need so much more.." and so i'm just like, "well what do i need? do i need to change my hair or my clothes or what part of my body, exactly, needs to be changed? and in what way?" and then i'm just like, "well, why not start with everything? change it all. make it all better. in fact, make it all good first, then we'll work on better." so then i'm just kind of like, "fuck you", and then i'm in this space again. it's just annoying. i want to go back to that space where i just feel like it's all great and i have absolutely nothing to worry about on that front. but then i wonder if i was just kidding myself the whole time, you know? what if it was never good? or at least as good as i thought? and anyway, since when did this become so important? i mean, that's why it's my distraction, because it distracts from all the other stuff, but isn't that reality, what we perceive?
now i'm rambling when all i meant to do was move away from myself for a minute so that i could loosen. i guess i'm just waiting to be okay with it. and i don't know why it's bad now, but i can't help but feel that it isn't enough. does that make sense? i'm sure it does, in some way.
typical of me.

but hey, not everything is bad with me. i'm actually doing fine. i can't really complain about much in my life. i mean, i have a great relationship, my career is promising, i have a few good friends, blah blah blah.....i mean, it's good. so, i'm not like, complaining really. or maybe i kind of am, but mostly i'm pretty happy.
i've rambled enough, and this is stupid.