I've Been Thinking

sometimes i'll fall out and my reach isn't as far as i'd like it to be. what i mean is, sometimes i'll be out of touch, just enough, so that i can't wrap my mind around the things that create my immediate perimeter. i can see them, and feel them, and smell them even, but to really comprehend them takes more energy than i can draw up. at those points anyway. this isn't the case everyday or all the time, mind you.
okay okay.
i'll start over.
i'm mixed up. alot, sometimes. so this is what you get. you get the morsels mixed in with the bigger bits, and the inconsequential minutia, and all of it kind of muddle up and mixes and it's a big huge mess, but it's all in there (in my noodle) and it's just kind of like, "hey, this is you, man. so here it is. you don't have to like it."
and the thing is...it's right. i mean, that voice that kind of tells me all that stuff, that hands over the muddled-mess and just watches me deal with it........it's right. it's just me and i just have to sort of deal. so the reason i mention all of this is just because if i kind of explain it, then maybe you (and by 'you' , i mean anyone) might understand where i'm coming from part of the time.

so anyway, i'm in this place right now where i'm trying to sort through all of these thoughts about generality and the "in-betweens" in life, and part of sorting through all of this is trying to understand death completely. i mean, i'm not so silly that i think you can ever completely understand death, but you can always learn more. so anyway, thinking about generality (this notion of being just kind of part of the population and nothing of particular significance [not that any of us are insignificant] and not really belonging to any one group or totally fitting into a set of descriptions (which inevitably turn out to be the boundries that form our ropes)) and thinking about the "in-betweens" (the things without definition, names, locations, taste, shape, etc. & ad nauseum) in life has kind of just surfaced these past few days because i've been thinking about death. i'm not lamenting, or crying, or hopeless by any means. rather, i'm just curious and mystified in a sense. that out of all this that surrounds us, the talk and the labels and the allegiances and the emotions and the pretenses and the living from day to day, that out of all of that can come something so simple and so final as death. that through it all, we're travelling towards this inescapable fact, that one day it happens for all of us. not that it means anything one way or another. i've just been thinking about it is all.
it doesn't mean there's a grand scheme and it doesn't mean that there isn't. and in any case, i'm not thinking about any of that. i'm just thinking about the fact itself.

memento mori