here. in my head: the circus of it all

"i watched you change"

been having all these dreams lately.
scary and strange. i was in New Hampshire during one, although i don't remember what i was doing there.
it could have been snow-related.

i've had these dreams about infants, very french-like, les enfants.
and then there are the dreams about my beau, "wandering stars / for whom it is reserved / the blackness / the darkness / forever"
(what does this mean?) ich weiss nicht.
there are dreams where i can't find him, sometimes.
i think that things seep into your head and just create jumbles in your head during sleepy-time. actually, i know that this is so. it could mean absolutely nothing.

und so...

there are others:
this landscape that's dark and dreary (imagine an Edward Gorey-esque landscape with serious Marc Chagall under and overtones.....i end up there a lot. it's like the nexus, where i always end up. like my home, or something like that.

then recently,
i had this gun and i didn't know what i should do with it.
it was heavy and red.
the desert that i was in was done up in blacks and greys,
ravens claimed it as their home.
and then there was me.
alone, but for the gun and the murder of ravens.
murder.
and so i put it down, and walked away.
somewhere above me, the murder screamed.
in protest?

ich weiss nicht.

"she looks like Eve Marie-Saint in On the Waterfront" ....