Misfires: The Life & Times of a Hot-House Flower

i love summer

2006-04-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

that feel, languid heat, and suntan-lotion-sweat-chlorine smell of boys pressed up against you, and the fresh-cold way the blue washes over you, and the hot-cool breeze of nights that don't end, and margarita-lips sore from kissing.

yesterday

2006-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

yesterday i thought about how it felt to lie on the ground and soak up the rain as though i'd done it before. and then i might have, in another time, on another day. and i thought about Cornwall, and how i love the smell of lavender there, and how i always had my best dreams there. the rocks there feel old and full of stories, and so i like to hold them, and touch them, and never make a sound.
i thought about how i could be walking, on my way to my gray flat in some dark corner of Montmarte, and that i'll open my door and feel the breeze from the silt-gray skies whisper against my skin, and i'll feel new, and fresh. aroused somehow. the Seine is
i thought about the beginning, before Genesis, and how the fruit must taste, how the juice -thick- slips down my chin. and i taste it on my lips for generations afterwards, regretting nothing.
and i thought of all this, all of it, as though i'd been there, as though i'd lived it all along.

when my head spins round...

2006-03-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

so much has been spinning that i can't really count it all here. but i can mark it in spreads.
i think it's been a while since i really phoned about it, and it kind of builds. so i've been letting things out of my head more lately, and it's been helpful (i found out that i talk so much more when i don't feel....when i don't feel afraid (?)). anyway, the last week has been kind of hazy, and i'm in a shell now, so i haven't been much more than clammy, if you know what i mean. and i guess it's because of the weather or because of the rain or because of the clouds, and really, they aren't all the same thing (each would insist that they are each their own part of sky-natural occurance - thing), and so it's all affected me. and i need to write more. i need to do more. i need to get back whatever it is that i feel i don't carry with me now. it's something. and it has so much to do with my distraction and that's just so far from who i am. i mean, since when did my distraction become so much? since when did it matter so much how it comes off, how it's presented, how pretty and shiny and fucking perfect it needs to be? it's always a disappointment these days, and i can't stop it. in a way, i don't know what i'm trying to change, and in a way i do, and then it all gets jumbled into little blurby bits and i'm stuck here unhappy with my damn distraction. me and me and me and all of us displeased at us. what a pickle. i mean, i kind of feel that i should be just fine with what it is and that's it, but then i just kind of say, "how can you be happy with just this? you need so much more.." and so i'm just like, "well what do i need? do i need to change my hair or my clothes or what part of my body, exactly, needs to be changed? and in what way?" and then i'm just like, "well, why not start with everything? change it all. make it all better. in fact, make it all good first, then we'll work on better." so then i'm just kind of like, "fuck you", and then i'm in this space again. it's just annoying. i want to go back to that space where i just feel like it's all great and i have absolutely nothing to worry about on that front. but then i wonder if i was just kidding myself the whole time, you know? what if it was never good? or at least as good as i thought? and anyway, since when did this become so important? i mean, that's why it's my distraction, because it distracts from all the other stuff, but isn't that reality, what we perceive?
now i'm rambling when all i meant to do was move away from myself for a minute so that i could loosen. i guess i'm just waiting to be okay with it. and i don't know why it's bad now, but i can't help but feel that it isn't enough. does that make sense? i'm sure it does, in some way.
typical of me.

but hey, not everything is bad with me. i'm actually doing fine. i can't really complain about much in my life. i mean, i have a great relationship, my career is promising, i have a few good friends, blah blah blah.....i mean, it's good. so, i'm not like, complaining really. or maybe i kind of am, but mostly i'm pretty happy.
i've rambled enough, and this is stupid.

What the Fuck!?!?

2006-02-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

Complaint Cites Doctor's Anti-Gay "Treatment" - PlanetOut Network

Leaders Decry Gay Bar Shooting in Mass. - PlanetOut Network

Protests Over Mohammed Drawings Intensifies - AP

"it's funny.........Ashlee really got me thinking....you know, like about all the pieces and stuff.."

2006-02-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

sometimes i get to thinking about all the parts that make me the the thing i am. it's a complicated piece of machinery - irregular cogs and erratic clockwork. what it is is just what anyone sees - requests and dictates pressed onto me, and i come away misshapen, like waxy confusion.

it's my distraction. porcelain and blood. there seems no inbetween with me, and therein lies the fragility. when the shell is broken, it bleeds. there is nothing more - no buffer, and an apparent absence of layering. i'm not so cake-faceted afterall.

or maybe i have doubted for much too long.

"feels like i can finally rest my head on something real - i like the way that feels - it's as if you know me better than i ever knew myself - i love how you can tell - all the pieces pieces pieces of me"

Hello Meridian.

2006-01-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

it's never a shock. only sometimes the stay is for so long, that the return can be surprising. only, not all-together. i always know, and feel it, somehow.
i can't remember when it was new. i can't remember how long ago i didn't know the name.
i conjure up spirits when i'm looking the other way.
full force.

on the Western Front

2006-01-18T14:56:00.000-08:00

Check it!! it's where i'm from!!

i like "Cupcake" - you'd be the baddest bitch out there, but your name would be "Cupcake"

2006-01-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

so Lisa has decided she's gonna be a Roller Girl, which i think is a really good idea. you get to bash other chicks and throw em around and skate and like...........do other stuff. sounds fun.

her name should be Cupcake. then as she takes some chick down on the roller-rink, she could yell, "eat it, bitch!"

yeah. that's hot.

"i've been out of my head the whole time you've been talking. did i miss anything important?"

2006-01-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in a while. almost like i have nothing to say, but that isn't it. really, it's that the words are coming in a little harder than usual. what i mean to say is, that i have so much to say i guess, that it's hard to really articulate the things i want to say.
does that make sense? kinda. anyway, i've been kind of thinking about a lot of stuff, like writing and the people that come from that, or that get born from those seeds. it's kind of strange, in ways, but that's really what swirls on in my head. i kind of go in these funks and things kind of just build up and up, and they kind of just sit there and wait for me to get my ass in gear and spin them out. i kind of keep them locked up, because i'm afraid i guess. maybe it's that i'm afraid of what will happen to them when i let them run out and about in the world, you know, or that they might not be exactly what i had hoped or wanted them to be, but that's not really fair, is it?
anyway, so i have this sort of pile of stuff that i need to get out and i guess i'm going to soon, i just need to kind of sit and talk with them for a while before i can tell their stories. anyway, it's gonna be work, and i'm not averse to that, but i'm not exactly moving very quickly.

besides that:

i was driving today and decided that 'dolphin-people' can't drive for shit. you know those people that have that stupid dolphin thingy hanging from their rear-view mirror? those people. they can't fuckin drive. it's like they're totally clueless. they drive too slow, they switch lanes without signaling most of the time, and they even look totally clueless. the one i was behind today came to a dead stop in rush-hour traffic to let some other clueless moron into traffic. how stupid can you be?! she totally could have caused an accident if i wasn't such an expert driver and on top of my driving game at all times. why can't people drive like me?

i need a hummer and a bag of bricks. then i'd be king of the road.

Today..

2005-12-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"

At the mansion

2005-11-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

HAUNTED

SWEET!

2005-11-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

Helen Kane in all her awesomeness as Supergirl.

Love that freakin' movie!

I've Been Thinking

2005-11-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

sometimes i'll fall out and my reach isn't as far as i'd like it to be. what i mean is, sometimes i'll be out of touch, just enough, so that i can't wrap my mind around the things that create my immediate perimeter. i can see them, and feel them, and smell them even, but to really comprehend them takes more energy than i can draw up. at those points anyway. this isn't the case everyday or all the time, mind you.
okay okay.
i'll start over.
i'm mixed up. alot, sometimes. so this is what you get. you get the morsels mixed in with the bigger bits, and the inconsequential minutia, and all of it kind of muddle up and mixes and it's a big huge mess, but it's all in there (in my noodle) and it's just kind of like, "hey, this is you, man. so here it is. you don't have to like it."
and the thing is...it's right. i mean, that voice that kind of tells me all that stuff, that hands over the muddled-mess and just watches me deal with it........it's right. it's just me and i just have to sort of deal. so the reason i mention all of this is just because if i kind of explain it, then maybe you (and by 'you' , i mean anyone) might understand where i'm coming from part of the time.

so anyway, i'm in this place right now where i'm trying to sort through all of these thoughts about generality and the "in-betweens" in life, and part of sorting through all of this is trying to understand death completely. i mean, i'm not so silly that i think you can ever completely understand death, but you can always learn more. so anyway, thinking about generality (this notion of being just kind of part of the population and nothing of particular significance [not that any of us are insignificant] and not really belonging to any one group or totally fitting into a set of descriptions (which inevitably turn out to be the boundries that form our ropes)) and thinking about the "in-betweens" (the things without definition, names, locations, taste, shape, etc. & ad nauseum) in life has kind of just surfaced these past few days because i've been thinking about death. i'm not lamenting, or crying, or hopeless by any means. rather, i'm just curious and mystified in a sense. that out of all this that surrounds us, the talk and the labels and the allegiances and the emotions and the pretenses and the living from day to day, that out of all of that can come something so simple and so final as death. that through it all, we're travelling towards this inescapable fact, that one day it happens for all of us. not that it means anything one way or another. i've just been thinking about it is all.
it doesn't mean there's a grand scheme and it doesn't mean that there isn't. and in any case, i'm not thinking about any of that. i'm just thinking about the fact itself.

memento mori

just now

2005-11-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

"and should i be hugged and tugged down through this tiger's masque?

and should i be sung and unbroken by not saying?

am i not sane?"

cocteau twins

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

Jack Lemmon

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

Harriet Beecher Stowe

"Our life is made by the death of others. "

Leonardo da Vinci

"I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. "

Willa Cather

"Death is a distant rumor to the young."

Andrew A. Rooney

"A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own."

Thomas Mann

We'll miss you much.

So begins the adventures of Hubert

2005-11-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

Meet Hubert!

Night at the Standard

2005-11-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Me & the Ladies

and i'll paint you a Navy Blue

2005-11-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

Meridian came back today.
not sure if it was the rain, or the way the sky greyed all over.
in any case, he asked me questions. startled me like always.
he knows how to rattle a tail or two, shakes and shivers.
it's his way.
today though, he's distant, voice is weak. not like before.
now he can barely speak above a whisper. it's a good thing.
but he's speaking even so.
and he has that stare.
sometimes it seems like the stormy shores are back, but it's tricky.
and i haven't seen my captain in such a long long time.
when he goes out to sea, he always takes a while. he'll be back though.
here's hoping.

as the winter takes one more cherry tree

2005-10-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Heute dachte ich an Sie.
ich dachte an, wie Sachen verwendeten zu sein.
ich dachte an unsere alte Freundschaft.
ich dachte an, wie Gebäude neigen, nach Erdbeben zu zerbröckeln.
ich dachte an die beendeten Weise Sachen.
ich dachte an Sie heute.

Wieder ohne.

here. in my head: the circus of it all

2005-10-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

"i watched you change"

been having all these dreams lately.
scary and strange. i was in New Hampshire during one, although i don't remember what i was doing there.
it could have been snow-related.

i've had these dreams about infants, very french-like, les enfants.
and then there are the dreams about my beau, "wandering stars / for whom it is reserved / the blackness / the darkness / forever"
(what does this mean?) ich weiss nicht.
there are dreams where i can't find him, sometimes.
i think that things seep into your head and just create jumbles in your head during sleepy-time. actually, i know that this is so. it could mean absolutely nothing.

und so...

there are others:
this landscape that's dark and dreary (imagine an Edward Gorey-esque landscape with serious Marc Chagall under and overtones.....i end up there a lot. it's like the nexus, where i always end up. like my home, or something like that.

then recently,
i had this gun and i didn't know what i should do with it.
it was heavy and red.
the desert that i was in was done up in blacks and greys,
ravens claimed it as their home.
and then there was me.
alone, but for the gun and the murder of ravens.
murder.
and so i put it down, and walked away.
somewhere above me, the murder screamed.
in protest?

ich weiss nicht.

"she looks like Eve Marie-Saint in On the Waterfront" ....

You were right...

2005-10-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

he certainly is...

Best Song Ever!!

2005-10-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

"I want chicken, I want liver,

Meow Mix, Meow Mix please deliver!"

Sweet!

Good Lord!!

2005-10-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

If you're concerned with how movies (such as Starsky & Hutch or any other media incarnation of pure un-adulterated evil) may be affecting your fragile Christian psyche, please, by all means, check out this site:

CAP Ministry Reports

If, however, you lean more towards hubris, filth, gossip, and other stupid crap, check out these sites (i happen to like these very much):

Pink Is the New Blog
The At Large Blog (hilarious!!)

more to come............(after all, I do work, you know!)

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Robert gots ta have the Cheese-Steak!!

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:49:00.001-07:00

again with the dork...

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

what a dork..