Misfires: The Life & Times of a Hot-House Flower

i love summer

2006-04-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

that feel, languid heat, and suntan-lotion-sweat-chlorine smell of boys pressed up against you, and the fresh-cold way the blue washes over you, and the hot-cool breeze of nights that don't end, and margarita-lips sore from kissing.

yesterday

2006-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

yesterday i thought about how it felt to lie on the ground and soak up the rain as though i'd done it before. and then i might have, in another time, on another day. and i thought about Cornwall, and how i love the smell of lavender there, and how i always had my best dreams there. the rocks there feel old and full of stories, and so i like to hold them, and touch them, and never make a sound.
i thought about how i could be walking, on my way to my gray flat in some dark corner of Montmarte, and that i'll open my door and feel the breeze from the silt-gray skies whisper against my skin, and i'll feel new, and fresh. aroused somehow. the Seine is
i thought about the beginning, before Genesis, and how the fruit must taste, how the juice -thick- slips down my chin. and i taste it on my lips for generations afterwards, regretting nothing.
and i thought of all this, all of it, as though i'd been there, as though i'd lived it all along.

when my head spins round...

2006-03-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

so much has been spinning that i can't really count it all here. but i can mark it in spreads.
i think it's been a while since i really phoned about it, and it kind of builds. so i've been letting things out of my head more lately, and it's been helpful (i found out that i talk so much more when i don't feel....when i don't feel afraid (?)). anyway, the last week has been kind of hazy, and i'm in a shell now, so i haven't been much more than clammy, if you know what i mean. and i guess it's because of the weather or because of the rain or because of the clouds, and really, they aren't all the same thing (each would insist that they are each their own part of sky-natural occurance - thing), and so it's all affected me. and i need to write more. i need to do more. i need to get back whatever it is that i feel i don't carry with me now. it's something. and it has so much to do with my distraction and that's just so far from who i am. i mean, since when did my distraction become so much? since when did it matter so much how it comes off, how it's presented, how pretty and shiny and fucking perfect it needs to be? it's always a disappointment these days, and i can't stop it. in a way, i don't know what i'm trying to change, and in a way i do, and then it all gets jumbled into little blurby bits and i'm stuck here unhappy with my damn distraction. me and me and me and all of us displeased at us. what a pickle. i mean, i kind of feel that i should be just fine with what it is and that's it, but then i just kind of say, "how can you be happy with just this? you need so much more.." and so i'm just like, "well what do i need? do i need to change my hair or my clothes or what part of my body, exactly, needs to be changed? and in what way?" and then i'm just like, "well, why not start with everything? change it all. make it all better. in fact, make it all good first, then we'll work on better." so then i'm just kind of like, "fuck you", and then i'm in this space again. it's just annoying. i want to go back to that space where i just feel like it's all great and i have absolutely nothing to worry about on that front. but then i wonder if i was just kidding myself the whole time, you know? what if it was never good? or at least as good as i thought? and anyway, since when did this become so important? i mean, that's why it's my distraction, because it distracts from all the other stuff, but isn't that reality, what we perceive?
now i'm rambling when all i meant to do was move away from myself for a minute so that i could loosen. i guess i'm just waiting to be okay with it. and i don't know why it's bad now, but i can't help but feel that it isn't enough. does that make sense? i'm sure it does, in some way.
typical of me.

but hey, not everything is bad with me. i'm actually doing fine. i can't really complain about much in my life. i mean, i have a great relationship, my career is promising, i have a few good friends, blah blah blah.....i mean, it's good. so, i'm not like, complaining really. or maybe i kind of am, but mostly i'm pretty happy.
i've rambled enough, and this is stupid.

What the Fuck!?!?

2006-02-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

Complaint Cites Doctor's Anti-Gay "Treatment" - PlanetOut Network

Leaders Decry Gay Bar Shooting in Mass. - PlanetOut Network

Protests Over Mohammed Drawings Intensifies - AP

"it's funny.........Ashlee really got me thinking....you know, like about all the pieces and stuff.."

2006-02-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

sometimes i get to thinking about all the parts that make me the the thing i am. it's a complicated piece of machinery - irregular cogs and erratic clockwork. what it is is just what anyone sees - requests and dictates pressed onto me, and i come away misshapen, like waxy confusion.

it's my distraction. porcelain and blood. there seems no inbetween with me, and therein lies the fragility. when the shell is broken, it bleeds. there is nothing more - no buffer, and an apparent absence of layering. i'm not so cake-faceted afterall.

or maybe i have doubted for much too long.

"feels like i can finally rest my head on something real - i like the way that feels - it's as if you know me better than i ever knew myself - i love how you can tell - all the pieces pieces pieces of me"

Hello Meridian.

2006-01-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

it's never a shock. only sometimes the stay is for so long, that the return can be surprising. only, not all-together. i always know, and feel it, somehow.
i can't remember when it was new. i can't remember how long ago i didn't know the name.
i conjure up spirits when i'm looking the other way.
full force.

on the Western Front

2006-01-18T14:56:00.000-08:00

Check it!! it's where i'm from!!

i like "Cupcake" - you'd be the baddest bitch out there, but your name would be "Cupcake"

2006-01-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

so Lisa has decided she's gonna be a Roller Girl, which i think is a really good idea. you get to bash other chicks and throw em around and skate and like...........do other stuff. sounds fun.

her name should be Cupcake. then as she takes some chick down on the roller-rink, she could yell, "eat it, bitch!"

yeah. that's hot.

"i've been out of my head the whole time you've been talking. did i miss anything important?"

2006-01-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in a while. almost like i have nothing to say, but that isn't it. really, it's that the words are coming in a little harder than usual. what i mean to say is, that i have so much to say i guess, that it's hard to really articulate the things i want to say.
does that make sense? kinda. anyway, i've been kind of thinking about a lot of stuff, like writing and the people that come from that, or that get born from those seeds. it's kind of strange, in ways, but that's really what swirls on in my head. i kind of go in these funks and things kind of just build up and up, and they kind of just sit there and wait for me to get my ass in gear and spin them out. i kind of keep them locked up, because i'm afraid i guess. maybe it's that i'm afraid of what will happen to them when i let them run out and about in the world, you know, or that they might not be exactly what i had hoped or wanted them to be, but that's not really fair, is it?
anyway, so i have this sort of pile of stuff that i need to get out and i guess i'm going to soon, i just need to kind of sit and talk with them for a while before i can tell their stories. anyway, it's gonna be work, and i'm not averse to that, but i'm not exactly moving very quickly.

besides that:

i was driving today and decided that 'dolphin-people' can't drive for shit. you know those people that have that stupid dolphin thingy hanging from their rear-view mirror? those people. they can't fuckin drive. it's like they're totally clueless. they drive too slow, they switch lanes without signaling most of the time, and they even look totally clueless. the one i was behind today came to a dead stop in rush-hour traffic to let some other clueless moron into traffic. how stupid can you be?! she totally could have caused an accident if i wasn't such an expert driver and on top of my driving game at all times. why can't people drive like me?

i need a hummer and a bag of bricks. then i'd be king of the road.

Today..

2005-12-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"

At the mansion

2005-11-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

HAUNTED

SWEET!

2005-11-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

Helen Kane in all her awesomeness as Supergirl.

Love that freakin' movie!

I've Been Thinking

2005-11-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

sometimes i'll fall out and my reach isn't as far as i'd like it to be. what i mean is, sometimes i'll be out of touch, just enough, so that i can't wrap my mind around the things that create my immediate perimeter. i can see them, and feel them, and smell them even, but to really comprehend them takes more energy than i can draw up. at those points anyway. this isn't the case everyday or all the time, mind you.
okay okay.
i'll start over.
i'm mixed up. alot, sometimes. so this is what you get. you get the morsels mixed in with the bigger bits, and the inconsequential minutia, and all of it kind of muddle up and mixes and it's a big huge mess, but it's all in there (in my noodle) and it's just kind of like, "hey, this is you, man. so here it is. you don't have to like it."
and the thing is...it's right. i mean, that voice that kind of tells me all that stuff, that hands over the muddled-mess and just watches me deal with it........it's right. it's just me and i just have to sort of deal. so the reason i mention all of this is just because if i kind of explain it, then maybe you (and by 'you' , i mean anyone) might understand where i'm coming from part of the time.

so anyway, i'm in this place right now where i'm trying to sort through all of these thoughts about generality and the "in-betweens" in life, and part of sorting through all of this is trying to understand death completely. i mean, i'm not so silly that i think you can ever completely understand death, but you can always learn more. so anyway, thinking about generality (this notion of being just kind of part of the population and nothing of particular significance [not that any of us are insignificant] and not really belonging to any one group or totally fitting into a set of descriptions (which inevitably turn out to be the boundries that form our ropes)) and thinking about the "in-betweens" (the things without definition, names, locations, taste, shape, etc. & ad nauseum) in life has kind of just surfaced these past few days because i've been thinking about death. i'm not lamenting, or crying, or hopeless by any means. rather, i'm just curious and mystified in a sense. that out of all this that surrounds us, the talk and the labels and the allegiances and the emotions and the pretenses and the living from day to day, that out of all of that can come something so simple and so final as death. that through it all, we're travelling towards this inescapable fact, that one day it happens for all of us. not that it means anything one way or another. i've just been thinking about it is all.
it doesn't mean there's a grand scheme and it doesn't mean that there isn't. and in any case, i'm not thinking about any of that. i'm just thinking about the fact itself.

memento mori

just now

2005-11-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

"and should i be hugged and tugged down through this tiger's masque?

and should i be sung and unbroken by not saying?

am i not sane?"

cocteau twins

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

Jack Lemmon

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

Harriet Beecher Stowe

"Our life is made by the death of others. "

Leonardo da Vinci

"I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. "

Willa Cather

"Death is a distant rumor to the young."

Andrew A. Rooney

"A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own."

Thomas Mann

We'll miss you much.

So begins the adventures of Hubert

2005-11-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

Meet Hubert!

Night at the Standard

2005-11-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Me & the Ladies

and i'll paint you a Navy Blue

2005-11-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

Meridian came back today.
not sure if it was the rain, or the way the sky greyed all over.
in any case, he asked me questions. startled me like always.
he knows how to rattle a tail or two, shakes and shivers.
it's his way.
today though, he's distant, voice is weak. not like before.
now he can barely speak above a whisper. it's a good thing.
but he's speaking even so.
and he has that stare.
sometimes it seems like the stormy shores are back, but it's tricky.
and i haven't seen my captain in such a long long time.
when he goes out to sea, he always takes a while. he'll be back though.
here's hoping.

as the winter takes one more cherry tree

2005-10-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Heute dachte ich an Sie.
ich dachte an, wie Sachen verwendeten zu sein.
ich dachte an unsere alte Freundschaft.
ich dachte an, wie Gebäude neigen, nach Erdbeben zu zerbröckeln.
ich dachte an die beendeten Weise Sachen.
ich dachte an Sie heute.

Wieder ohne.

here. in my head: the circus of it all

2005-10-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

"i watched you change"

been having all these dreams lately.
scary and strange. i was in New Hampshire during one, although i don't remember what i was doing there.
it could have been snow-related.

i've had these dreams about infants, very french-like, les enfants.
and then there are the dreams about my beau, "wandering stars / for whom it is reserved / the blackness / the darkness / forever"
(what does this mean?) ich weiss nicht.
there are dreams where i can't find him, sometimes.
i think that things seep into your head and just create jumbles in your head during sleepy-time. actually, i know that this is so. it could mean absolutely nothing.

und so...

there are others:
this landscape that's dark and dreary (imagine an Edward Gorey-esque landscape with serious Marc Chagall under and overtones.....i end up there a lot. it's like the nexus, where i always end up. like my home, or something like that.

then recently,
i had this gun and i didn't know what i should do with it.
it was heavy and red.
the desert that i was in was done up in blacks and greys,
ravens claimed it as their home.
and then there was me.
alone, but for the gun and the murder of ravens.
murder.
and so i put it down, and walked away.
somewhere above me, the murder screamed.
in protest?

ich weiss nicht.

"she looks like Eve Marie-Saint in On the Waterfront" ....

You were right...

2005-10-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

he certainly is...

Best Song Ever!!

2005-10-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

"I want chicken, I want liver,

Meow Mix, Meow Mix please deliver!"

Sweet!

Good Lord!!

2005-10-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

If you're concerned with how movies (such as Starsky & Hutch or any other media incarnation of pure un-adulterated evil) may be affecting your fragile Christian psyche, please, by all means, check out this site:

CAP Ministry Reports

If, however, you lean more towards hubris, filth, gossip, and other stupid crap, check out these sites (i happen to like these very much):

Pink Is the New Blog
The At Large Blog (hilarious!!)

more to come............(after all, I do work, you know!)

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Robert gots ta have the Cheese-Steak!!

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:49:00.001-07:00

again with the dork...

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

what a dork..

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:44:00.001-07:00

blurry....but still cool

Pictures From Philly

2005-10-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

Some are blurry....i think...

Today, this kinda spoke to me...don't know why..

2005-10-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

"and if your friends don't come back to you / and you know this is madness / a lilac mess in your prom dress / and you say / i guess i'm an underwater thing"

Liquid Diamonds, Tori Amos

Go East, my boy...

2005-10-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

back from NYC last night. longest f*ing flight EVER. but it was a semi-interesting flight because everyone was in strangely good spirits and walking around and talking with like everyone and drinking. it was strange and kind of neat.
still sucked though.
Philly was cool (not much to do there except run up the big Museums stairs and pretend you're Rocky and then go see the Liberty Bell (which is not as big as I thought it would be), but found some interesting and fun bars). the people are nice. one thing i found that was strange: a lot of the bars were in nondescript locations with no signage and usually in alleyways. strange, seedy, weird. but kinda neat.
met some nice people: lonely sorts, friendly sorts, strange sorts, and the like. i'm no good at remembering names so i'll just skip that part.
NYC was fun too. wandered around quite a bit, went shopping in Times Square and at the Macy's flagship store (and have now decided that i HATE Macy's because they have like the worst selection of clothes EVER unless you're old or "urban", which i'm guessing means that you listen to a lot of rap and dress like a hip-hop star, which i most certainly do not), and at other stores..........anyway, had some good food, met some cool chaps, danced a lot (at the Roxy), and one night i got really really really drunk and lost my dinner. that sucked. but even still, i had fun. and actually, i thought NYC was cool and all but like, a city is a city is a city, you know? i mean, yeah, it's BIG, and there's a lot of crap to do, and they have a huge statue, but LA has all that stuff too (except for a huge statue of a green woman). in the end i just felt like it was cool to have gone and seen what all the buzz was about, and it was cool, but i have to say, i'm really glad to be home.
and it feels really good to come home and see your boy at the airport. so worth coming home to.
hasta.

Caught in the city

2005-09-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Eastern eyes

Give my regards

2005-09-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

Broadway

Robert @ 12 Air Command

2005-09-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Philly

2005-09-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

2005-09-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

Eat at Geno's

Death: Pinned to the Mat

2005-09-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

2005-09-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

"I want a brave love, one that makes me weak in the knees / I want a crazy, crazy love / One that makes me come undone at the seams / 'Cause I'm tired of all these pilgrims, these puritans, these thieves / Of all these unbelievers / who whittle love down at the knees / Let these swift roads destroy themselves / Let the world fall into its sleep / For we shall be spared / We shall be left standing / To face what's left of concrete and honey"

Today and lately

2005-09-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

"make me laugh,

say you know what you want.

you said we were the real thing.

so i show you some more,

and i learn

what black magic can do."

Jackie's Strength, Tori Amos

I keep it in a Hidden Place...

2005-09-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

today, i don't know.
i have so much that's just kind of packed in there and swirly, like a tempest or a dust-devil, or a red-lollipop with white swirls.
but anyway, right now, today, and actually this whole past month or some, i've been thinking a lot about the dynamics of relationships and how things work and how they don't and the nature of love and humans.
i haven't come up with anything conclusive, and i haven't decided on anything yet, and i don't know exactly where my compass is taking me (and i haven't seen the Captain in such a long time), but what i do know is that i get confused.
i don't understand why people do the things they do, without meaning to or without really even having any control or knowing. i think i'm muddling things.
for example:
if you're in love, it happens and it's cool and you love it too.
and it's nice and warm-like. like safety i guess. or something like that.
and then all these other things come in and you just get blindsided a billion times.
you can be in love with someone, and it'll last, but that has nothing really to do with Desire anymore, now does it? i mean at first, yeah, but later, after a while? no, probably not. i think. but i don't know. see? that's what i mean. i'm muddling.
so you can love and be in love, but where did she go (Desire)? she kind of leads you to other people and faces and bodies and beds (sometimes in your head, sometimes not) and she just kind of abandons you there. and then you don't know what to do because all you know is that you're in love, and that hasn't changed, but where is it, the sparkling desire? i mean, it's not like it went away, it's not that you don't have the sparkle for the one anymore, but like, the sparkle spreads? does it? or it's actually a different glitter, from another bottle? i don't know.
i just know that all i see is an example of a life of a love of an illusion of a spectacular breath, and it startles and confuses me. and i'm left here, without my captain sometimes.

anyway, that's today.
tomorrow, i might be better, i might be on to something.

Halo, wie gehts?

2005-07-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say a few words to a few people:

Julia:

Congrats on your new dance company...........the PinUp Girls....I like :)
and oh.....I wanna see my pics.........and the pics from your birthday!!!
call me soon:)

Joy:

Hello there :)

Sue:

How's it goin', bartender-lady? haven't seen you in a bit!

Ruskel:

what up yo! how's the new job treatin' ya? oh, and tell Dani i said "wassup"

Topher:

you whore. call me.

Lesbiana:

hello luv :)

Joanie:

CTJ all the way...................."always a bridesmaid, never a bride" who luvs ya baby?!

Mona:

it's been so long, and i'm so glad you're back!! Tell Ter i want her to call me, STAT!

JoyDrop:

hey sweetness, how's Boston treatin' ya? tell KC i miss her too :)

Ming-a-ling:
so. you're back from Vegas, i'm back from Vegas.......time to get it together man!!

Jared:

it's been quite a while..how's your Casa?

Jennette:

hello Catwoman! i need to call you soon.

Farah:
miss ya!

Feel like..

2005-07-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

"circles and circles

got to stop spinning

circles and circles and circles again

thought i was over the bridge now"

Icicle, Tori Amos

for Sarah & Mom

2005-07-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

I miss you.

Today, I'm feeling...

2005-07-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

"Not sayin' Not charmed at all /Not sayin' that you weren't worth the fall/ But I was alone when I knew it was real /Down the canyon/ when I knew I had come /To the line /Through the dawn To the light /To the turn /When you said --You could drive all night /Drive all night/ So I let Crazy take a spin /Then I let Crazy settle in /Kicked off my shoes/ Shut reason out /He said "first let's just unzip your religion down" /Found that I I craved at all /Saw me melt into your native shelter /Where you carved my name /Paper tigers scare and came Alive /Through the dawn /To the light /To the turn /When you said --You could drive all night /Drive all night /So I let Crazy take a spin/ Then I let Crazy settle in/ Kicked off my shoes /Shut reason out /He said "first let's just unzip your religion down"/ So I let Crazy pull me in /Then I let Crazy take his spin/ Kicked off my shoes /Shut reason out /He said "first let's just unzip your religion down"/ Heard that you were once Temptation's Girl"/ And as soon as you have rearranged the mess in your head He will show up looking sane /perfectly sane /If I know Crazy"

Crazy- Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk

Here, In My Head, part deux

2005-07-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

another one to introduce:
I've never introduced anyone to her before, or introduced her to anyone...
she is the most beautiful, the most important, the quietest. she is lovely...

Esther: she is wise and she is beautiful. her voice is sweet and frail, like silk whispers. she knows things, she cradles you sometimes, when you need it. she has lost her heart before, she knows the pain of death, remembers the thorns. she is the rose. she can only love.

Here, In My Head..

2005-06-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

so, this is risky.
but i'll do it anyhow.
i have these people in my head, kind of.
well, not really.
yes & no.
see, i write. a lot. all the time. everywhere.
and,
well, each of my experiences has taught me something, and changed me, every time.
and so the person that i used to be or the wisdom that i gained kind of metamorphosed into people, and they sort of live in my head, but not really. they're kind of there, and kind of outside, on their own, tending to things, like their gardens, or skeps, or boats, or just doing whatever it is they do.
anyway, i know this all sounds crazy, and you aren't meant to understand it all, but i just thought that i'd kind of let you know who they are, just in case i mention them in my writing, which i often do, because i talk to them a lot.
anyway, here they are:

Meridian: he's 19. he'll always be 19. he doesn't believe that love can ever be good, that it can ever last. he know's he'll always be hurt in the end. his hair is blue. he knows how to cry. he will never age. the scars on his arms tell "where the razor's been".

Captain Parcel: he's a grizzled old Sea captain who's always on the seas, co-existing with his salty mistress, never taming it, never trying to, but he knows how to navigate it and learn from it, and deal with it. he knows how to sail, and how to fish, and how to swim. he knows all there is to know about the sea and the oceans and all the bodys of water in this world and any other. and best of all, he'll teach you how to sail, if only you ask.

Jonas, the Beekeeper: Jonas is beautiful, he is in the Autumn of his life, and he is wise. Winter will not touch him. He speaks with the bees, and he knows their secrets. He teaches the Way of the Hive, and he is kind. but he is honest, and because of this, he can be intimidating. His bees will not sting you when you visit, but only if you have stripped yourself of your lies and masks. The bees can see beyond that, and Jonas can as well. They have no patience for deception of any kind. The Hive's justice is swift and sweet.

Phyllis: she is cold. she is angry. she will not let you touch her, don't even ask. she is afraid to sleep alone at night. she knows it happens everyday, she knows that life is cruel sometimes. she keeps a gun under her pillow and in her purse. she is afraid. she is cold. she is alone. her hair is grey.

so those are some of them.
i'll tell you about the rest later. i'm tired now.

This one time....we had Choke-Cherry Wine

2005-06-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

on my way to work this morning, i put this mixed cd into my player, and this song ("This San Juan" from the Mudhens) was on there that i hadn't heard in a really long time and it reminded me of college and all the crazy things that went on while i was just a student, havin' fun and livin' it up. it reminded me of one party in particular.........
my cousin James and I used to live together, way back when, and we had this really nice apartment that like, everyone was always at, every day. no joke. every day. we used to throw parties there all the time and most of the time they would get out of hand, and mostly because we hung out with a bunch of punks and gutter-mouths. but we loved them and wouldn't have had it any other way. so anywho, one night during one of our infamous parties (see, after awhile everyone just kind of knew that our place was the place to go for parties, so we had all kinds of people there, even strippers [more about strippers later]), we had about 90 people over, which was quite a bit seeing as how it was only a two-bedroom apartment, and there was so much alcohol that no one could have complained, and back then we were serious drinkers. i mean serious. we had 3 kegs, bottles and bottles of liqour, and this home-made wine that our friend Eric had made, that he called "choke-cherry wine"..........anyway, the party ended up getting way out of hand and three cop cars showed up and tons of people fled, like they always do when the pigs roll up. so once we hear the shout-out that the cops were there, me, my friends Lisa, Eric, and Chris, run to my room, which was at the back of the apartment, and we go out the balcony (luckily we were on the ground floor) and head over to our neighbors apartment to hide out till the cops leave. now our next-door neigbor happened to be this really hot chick that everyone called Stripper-Meaghan because she always took off her clothes when she got drunk in Juarez. so we ended up partying at her house for a couple hours before heading back to our own place at around 4am, only to spark up a joint, fix up some valium, break out the Choke-Cherry, and turn on some Frank Sinatra and cruise on through the a.m.
so anway, that's what that song reminded me of. and even though it was one of the least eventful nights of my college days, that's the night that i was reminded of. funny how music can spark memories like that.......

Earthquakes are 'No Bueno' in High-rises

2005-06-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

i've been in earthquakes before........but never while in a high-rise.
i work in a tower in Burbank, for 'The House of Mouse', and there was a "5.3"Magnitude Earthquake today, like, just a few minutes ago. feels like you're gonna plummet.
and that would suck.
well, back to work.

Sanctuary

2005-06-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

i decided about two weeks ago that i would start a garden in my back yard. well, it's not really much of a back yard, rather than a back "area", or patio or something. see the place i live in is up in the hills, so the front of the house faces downhill, while the back is actually on the hill, if that makes sense, so there's really no room for a yard (at least, unless you like your yard vertical). so anyway, i decided that i can plant a bunch of stuff in containers, like pots and stuff. my boyfriend and i recently went to San Francisco, Monterey, Carmel, Los Olivos, and Santa Barbara, and we did the whole wine-tasting/"Sideways" thing, and on top of coming back home with a crap-load of wine (really good wine too), i brought some wine barrels back with me too. they're huge and they're cut in half, so i thought that they would be really cool to plant stuff in. so my friend Russell, and Ari, and i all went out to plan for my project, and hunt for plants. we ended up going to Borders at Hollywood & Vine, which is my absolute LEAST favorite Borders in the whole world, and looking at all their books on gardening and plant life, and i actually learned quite a bit. then we spent about 20 minutes looking at all the different types of pot that's grown around the world in this big picture book. Ari was mesmerized. after all, i ended up buying a really cool and informative book on container gardening, which i think will probably help a lot. then we finally headed over to Home Depot, which is a crazy circus-zoo at that end of Sunset. since Russell knows almost everything there is to know about plants and flowers, he helped me decide which plants to add to my garden. i'm very excited.
although, i don't think I'm gonna be able to plant Datura, and i really really wanted to.......just cuz it would be cool to have.

The One Where I Get Tortured

2005-06-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

this dream was so freakin' strange..........

i was married to some strange man.........he was good-looking, tall, darkness seemed to kind of collect around him, but he was really strange. he was involved in some sort of strange cult.........they worshipped nameless, old gods, from before humans existed, before earth........these things, the beings they worshipped were hideous beyond comprehension, to look at them meant madness, speaking their names was not something one did in the little New England town where we lived.........and so he was part of this cult, and they studied about how to conjure up these abominations from their sleep to come back to this world.........and so i was afraid, i was afraid of what they might accomplish and i was afraid of him, and i felt like he was undergoing some strange transformation.......so one night when he'd left to one of their gatherings, i called my friend Lisa (my bestest friend) up and said that we needed to leave, that something terrible was going to happen, something evil was going to destroy the town, so she and I packed up her car and we left.............we drove until we came to this other small town, and we stopped at some motel for the night.........well, while we slept we were kidnapped and taken to some strange house in the middle of nowhere and there were three other people there, one girl and two other men, and then our abductor. we were all chained up and he made us play this lottery thing, where we all had to draw numbers and our kidnapper would call out three numbers, and whichever three of us had the numbers he called out were tortured while the other two watched, and he did this for days, and the last thing i remember was she and i and one other guy getting our numbers called and we were all put on this rack and our kidnapper guy got out this tray of razors and knives, and over the course of 3 hours, he very very slowly cut of 3 of the other guys fingers, then he came up to me, and i turned to Lisa and i blacked out. that was it. strange huh?

gotta lay off the soda before bed i think.....

The One where I Love Jake Gyllenhaal

2005-06-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

okay, so i had this dream last night about Jake.

i don't usually have teenage-weird-fantasy-like-dreams, but for some reason, last night, i did.

so, in my dream, i lived in San Francisco and had this really cool apartment with a huge courtyard, and when you looked down from my balcony, you could see into the courtyard, and it was perfectly shaded with magnolia trees and there was an old stone fountain and everything. so, i wake up and head down to the farmers market at Fisherman's Wharf and i'm picking up fruit (green apples, star fruit, and strawberries to be exact), and i run into this guy (Jake, but in my dream world he's not famous, he's just Jake) and we kind of like, flirt and look at eachother and stupid things like that, and eventually we get to talking and having coffee by the water. so then, after a couple days, we call eachother and we hang out and go see movies and stuff like that. and it ends up being a really cool friendship that i really really enjoy. and then one night, while we're watching Vertigo, he leans over and kisses me, and it turns into this really sweet, long kiss. So then after that night (no, we don't have sex or anything more than the kiss), he doesn't call me for like 2 days, and i start to think that the whole thing freaked him out. then about a week later, we start talking again and we just kind of ignore the "kiss situation" and hang out like normal. so we go out for chinese and we end up back at my place again, and this time he tells me, "I really really like you, but I've never done this before." and so i say, "you haven't done what?"

and he says, "I haven't ever liked another guy before." then he kind of just stands there and stares at me. so then we end up kissing and...................well, you know, other stuff.

But, so all of this is cool, except we end up dating and it's awesome, and then we end up getting married, only once we start the ceremony, it's not my Jake anymore, it's Katie Holmes!

so weird.....